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When Your Child Comes Home
HELPING YOUR ADOPTED CHILD TO ATTACH
 Adopting a child is a beautiful act of giving. It is a wonderful
thing to be able to give yourself selflessly to another, and this
concept of selflessness brings up some very interesting points;
for adopting a child requires you to give all that you have, while
still caring for and nurturing yourself and maintaining your sanity,
all at the same time. Adoption is not something that one goes out
and does and then comes home to business as usual. In other words,
adoptive parents cannot just plan on going back to a forty plus
work week leaving a child to languish in daycare long hours each
day.
Adopting a child means caring for a little being who has somehow
been abandoned by their birth mom and dad. Even if the birth parents
died, it is still abandonment to the child. Even infants adopted
shortly after birth experience some disruption in the attachment
and bonding process, for it has begun in utero, when the child
began to recognize mom’s voice, and continued immediately
after birth when the infant recognized mom’s smell.
Most prospective parents also long to create a loving family where
their children receive and reciprocate the love that the parents
give them. And, yet, often prospective adoptive parents are given
too little help and information both about the particular child
and about the circumstances leading him to be relinquished for
adoption or what kind of difficulties might arise once the child
has been adopted
The sense of loss, abandonment and rejection are powerful issues for the adopted
child. “Who am I if my birth mom gave me away or neglected and abused
me?” In a young child’s mind she is the center of the universe,
so if parents leave, die, or divorce, it must be her fault.
As you can imagine dealing with these issues is also very difficult
for the adoptive parents. They, especially the mother, may feel “Why
isn’t our love enough, why isn’t this child more grateful
for all the love and care that I lavish on her?”
But, the feelings of adopted children are complex, as are the
ways in which they rationalize what has happened to them. One young,
adopted girl said something to the effect that all the love her
adoptive mom gives her can never be as powerful as the rejection
by her birth mom is for her. She seems to be speaking for many
adoptees, though most cannot enunciate their pain as clearly as
she can. Indeed, many adopted children actually resent their “ rescuers”,
feeling that somehow they were kidnapped and that the adoptive
parents are depriving them of the chance to live with the birth
parents. These children may persist in such beliefs despite all
evidence to the contrary.
This is because these children often maintain a fantasy bond to
real or imagined birth parents. The fantasy often occurs when things
become difficult for a child in his current family—he then
fantasizes, “ It won’t be like this with my birth mother,
when she comes to get me.”, or some variation on this theme.
It often becomes a “good Mom, bad Mom” theme with the
adoptive Mom, unfairly, getting all the wrath which was generated
by the abandonment and rejection by the birth Mom. If the children
were in foster care, prior to being adopted, their fantasy bond
may have been reinforced by having had visits with highly dysfunctional
parents who could hold it together for short visits and make all
kinds of promises, though they have repeatedly demonstrated their
inability to parent the child adequately for any length of time.
An example of this was a young baby faced 13-year old who was
in an excellent foster placement on a ranch. He started having
court ordered visits with his father, a convicted pornographer
who had allegedly involved his sons in sexual acts with himself
and each other. The thirteen year old wrote a letter to a girl
shortly after the visits began, saying that he was going to rape
her. He was being loyal to his birth dad and it cost him his placement.
The issues above are merely a few of the emotional issues that
arise for adoptive families. Some of the other challenges are listed
here although it is beyond the scope of this article to delve more
deeply into them. These challenges are: the adoption process itself,
health problems and genetic defects which may arise, the cost of
the adoption and a limited availability of post adoption funds
should unforeseen mental or physical health problems occur.
BE PREPARED!
If you are planning to adopt. The first thing that you can do
is arm yourself with knowledge about the adoption process and about
a psychological condition called Reactive Attachment Disorder which,
because it involves a disruption of the attachment and bonding
process of the child to the primary caregiver during the first
2-3 years of life, occurs more frequently in foster and adopted
children than in the general population. See the book list for
some suggested readings.
Beside informing yourself through reading, here are some tips
to help your adopted child.
Know that abandonment and rejection are HUGE issues for these
kids and often you must pursue them AND it is quite okay to let
them know that you need love too.
Hold them and hug them and kiss them often---if they protest,
tell them “ Sorry I need some love too.
Encourage them to depend on you for many things as well as to do for themselves—they
need to know that these parents can and want to care for them.
If your child is having difficulties, keep them close—as
in they only get to leave your side, the room the house depending
on the age when they can demonstrate that they are ready.
Don’t try to hide the fact that your child is adopted. Disclose
what information is available about birth parents, when child initiates
it and as child is old enough to assimilate it. Be truthful , but
not pejorative.
Don’t shame or belittle your child as a means of discipline
or to goad him into self-improvement---chances are his self-esteem
is already low enough.
If, after reading up on attachment disorder, you find that your
child has several of the symptoms, or if you just don’t feel
that your child is bonding with you as well as you would like,
have your child evaluated by a professional who specializes in
bonding and attachment. Even if the child does not have an attachment
disorder, he may need some help with attachment issues.
And last, BUT NOT LEAST: Take time to care
for yourself and your relationship with your spouse Do not let
issues around the child come between you, schedule together time
and time for yourselves.
Yes, adoption is a huge job requiring a certain degree
of selflessness, but also a lot of self care and the rewards
can be tremendous as your children attach and let you be Mom
and Dad.
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