| |
Article 2: Children Who Cannot Love
THE IMPORTANCE OF MOTHER AND CHILD ATTACHMENT
By Diane S. Feinberg, M.Ed.
The most important process in our whole lives happened years
ago. I am speaking about the period between our conception and
our third year of life. Not only is important basic physiological
formation of our bodies taking place, but those first three years
of life are a time when much of the organization and development
of the brain and nervous system takes place. At no other time in
our lives does more learning take place than during those first
few years. And, one of the very most important things we learn
is about our relationship to others.
We learn about relationship through our most primal of all relationships: our
experience with our mothers. Our fathers may be important, as are other primary
caretakers, but the process of attachment begins in the womb of the mothers
who gave birth to us. A five month old fetus is able to recognize her mother’s
voice, as well as to sense maternal emotions through a neuro-hormonal dialogue.
As soon as a human infant is born, and his nasal passages cleaned out, he
can recognize his mother’s smell. Thus, the attachment process, the
process of creating affectional ties between mother and infant has begun.
If the baby was wanted, and the mom was fairly calm, not depressed,
and did not use alcohol or drugs during her pregnancy- the attachment
process will have been successfully initiated.
During or after birth, building a healthy bond of attachment continues.
Each time her child has a need and the mother is responsive to
that need, the attachment between she and her child is strengthened.
Mom’s touch, words and gaze helps their bond to strengthen,
and if all is well, the baby’s eyes will make contact with
her mom’s, and the baby will sink in to her mother’s
body when held. When a baby is born, he is able to focus his eyes
for seven to twelve inches- precisely the distance needed to make
eye contact with mom, while nursing in her arms. This creates a
profoundly intimate bond between mother and child, which establishes
the mother as a secure base, from which the child may later venture
forth into the world.
The mutual bond of attachment, is extremely important to the
child’s well being in many ways: It helps insure protection
and safety for the child through closeness to the caregiver, it
creates a secure base from which the child can explore her world,
and through the reciprocity of this relationship, a child learns
empathy and compassion and eventually, will develop a conscience.
Through the mother and child bond, the child will develop a self
concept, and confidence, as well as the ability to self regulate
in regards to impulses and emotions. Secure attachment also makes
the child more resistant to stress and trauma, and contributes
to optimal brain and neurological development.
When Attachment is Disrupted…
However, when conditions are not so benign, the secure attachment
may not develop. If, for some reason, whether it be depression,
illness, addiction, trauma, or the baby wasn’t wanted, the
healthy attachment of mother and child may be disrupted. Often,
procedures in hospitals, such as babies being put in incubators
when they are pre-mature, even when it is to save the baby’s
life, or taking babies away from their mothers to be bathed right
away are not conducive to promoting attachment. Neglect, abuse,
separation from mom or primary caregiver, chronic illness of mom,
or if the infant is ill, may all affect attachment negatively.
Reactive Attachment Disorder…
Many people, as children had difficulty attaching to their mother
or primary caregiver, and may have some difficulty in subsequent
relationships in their lives. They may display symptoms of attachment
disruption. However, when the difficulty in bonding is more severe,
I will refer to the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder,
sometimes called RAD. Attachment Disorder results from the failure
to bond and attach to the mother or primary caregiver in the first
few years of life. Some of the symptoms are: superficial charm
that is phony, manipulative and controlling behavior, not being
affectionate on parental terms, obvious lying, stealing, not being
cuddly or affectionate with mom, as an infant, inability to be
consoled, a lack of impulse control, lacking a conscience, and
being distructive to self and/or others.
As an Attachment Therapist, I note that most of the children with
Attachment Disorder that I see, have had multiple diagnoses, and
treatment failures by the time they are brought to me. These children
have often received diagnoses of Attention Deficit Disorder, oppositional
Defiant Disorder, Bi-Polar Disorder, Conduct Disorder, and Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder. The problem is that though these children
may reveal all the symptoms of these disorders, it is not a complete
picture if there is an underlying Attachment Disorder, and conventional
treatments and medications for these disorders will not eradicate
the symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder. There is an underlying
theme to the symptoms displayed by children with attachment disorder.
There is a basic lack of trust in others which leads them to sabotage
their parents efforts to parent them and be intimate with them.
They believe that nobody can care for them but themselves, and
their own attempts to do so are bizarre. Their lack of empathy
for the feelings of others is based in their own inability to feel
their own feelings.
I receive calls and e mails from all over the country from parents
distraught by the behaviors, or sometimes lack of behaviors, of
their children who display symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder: “My
adopted four year old daughter seems to hate me- she’s affectionate
with her father, but won’t obey me, and sometimes even hits
me!” ,or, “My son tortures the family cat, and when
he thinks we don’t see him, he is cruel and abusive to his
younger brother”. Some parents have been afraid for their
lives, as they were awakened by their child standing over them
with a knife, while they lay in bed. Others, are worried about
their children’s learning disabilities, hyper-activity, and
seeming inability to follow simple rules.
These parents often sound angry, frustrated, hopeless, or devastated.
Often, they say that they have tried everything, and are feeling
desperation.
The Good News…
The good news is that the symptoms of an Attachment Disorder
can be ameliorated through intensive Attachment Therapy. When I
work with children and their families, I often work, and sometimes
live with them in their homes for a seven to ten day period. My
work is much like that of a Doula, who helps mothers during pregnancy
and after childbirth. I support both mother and child in re-doing,
or perhaps doing for the first time the bonding process that was
disrupted when the child was an infant. I work with the whole family
to help bring the child out of his shell, and help him connect
and begin bonding with his mom or primary caregiver. Each family
member is urged to express their feelings, and is empowered by
the family in getting their needs met.
Siblings have suffered feeling neglected as much of their parent’s
time and resources seemed to go toward the “problem child”.
Often, marriages have been stressed to what seems like the breaking
point, and couples need the opportunity to re connect, and heal.
Many times, I have seen the child try to convince dad that mom
is an angry witch. Mom, is often at her wits end, making the child’s
position seem plausible, and a difference of perception can divide
the couple.
Mom, or the mom figure feels rejected, because her child has
repeatedly ignored her efforts at parenting, and continually pushed
her away. Often, the first time these moms have heard “I
love you” from their child was during one of our sessions.
While at the family’s home, we are not only involved in a
therapeutic process, but I am teaching and modeling for them Attachment
Parenting skills.
Everything I do in both in the therapy and the Attachment Parenting
is designed to deepen the parent/ child bond, and indeed the bond
between all family members. By the time I leave, we have laughed
together, cried together, worked together and played together,
and the family I am leaving is a much happier, closer, and more
empowered than the family that greeted me when I arrived. I leave
their home, moved by the family’s courage, determination
and depth of love.
If you wish to learn more about Attachment Disorder, Attachment
Therapy, or Attachment Parenting, I would be happy to speak with
you on the telephone at 828-221-1175.
Martha Welch’s book, HOLDING TIME,
is excellent, as is, HIGH RISK: CHILDREN WITHOUT A CONCIENCE,
by Magid and McKelvey.
|
