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Article 1: The Importance of Mother & Child
Attachment
CHILDREN WHO CANNOT LOVE
By Diane Feinberg, M.Ed.
Children who kill and commit other heinous crimes are appearing in the news
with increasing frequency. At the same time these children are shocking the
world, many parents are quietly or not so quietly suffering with the enormously,
difficult behaviors of out of control children. These children may be mere
infants, but may be inconsolable, crying to be picked up, yet if picked up
and held, crying to be put down. Or they may be babies who arch their backs
and totally resist cuddling. Or they might be apathetic showing little interest
in their environment and have lags in areas of their development.
Older children may be lying, stealing, oppositional, defiant,
preoccupied with blood and gore or fire, they may be cruel to pets
or younger children and usually have difficulty with peer relationships,
though they
may converse well with adults and may be overly friendly to complete strangers.
They usually do not like to make eye contact or be affectionate on parental
terms (though they may be affectionate, even clingy when they need something
and may look you straight in the eye when they are lying to you) Often these
children are, physically, very attractive and have an uncanny ability to charm.
Because of this they are often able to fool therapists into thinking that they
are the innocent victims of cruel or inept parent. Often the false impression
that it is all the parents fault is compounded by the fact that the parents
are distraught, depressed, overwhelmed and angry by the time they bring these
children to therapy.
These parents have usually tried all the well meaning advice given
by friends and relatives. They have tried “just giving the
children more love”, setting limits and so forth, but normal
parenting techniques don’t work if the child is ATTACHMENT
DISORDERED and if a child has several of the symptoms described
above he/she may have what is formally known as Reactive Attachment
Disorder.
Attachment disorder occurs when a baby does not bond or attach
to its mother during the first two years of life. Many things may
cause this disruption including prolonged separation from or abandonment
by mother, mental or physical illness of mother, illness or chronic
pain of child, neglect abuse, prenatal use of drugs or alcohol
by mother. Often adopted or foster children have this disorder,
since their attachment to their biological mother, begun in utero,
has been disrupted
Normal attachment occurs when a baby has needs such as being fed,
changed, rocked, held . Each time the baby’s body tenses
with an unmet need and mom responds in a timely fashion to meet
that need attachment is being strengthened; the child is learning
to trust that an adult, preferably Mom will be there to take care
of her. When the consistent caregiver does not meet the baby’s
needs or is not affectionate, the infant believes that no one was
there for him and therefore he must care for himself and always
be in control of his or her environment . He can trust noone and
must win every argument or battle; it is a matter of life and death.
If you suspect that a child may have attachment disorder, you
should have her seen by a mental health professional who understands
attachment disorder.. The earlier this disorder is recognized and
treated ,the higher the chance of success and the less heartbreak
and hell the family will need to endure.
Diane Feinberg, M.Ed. , is a psychotherapist in the metro
Phoenix/ Scottsdale area. She specializes in attachment and bonding
therapy for children and teens and has conducted nationwide seminars
on. this subject. Diane has been practicing psychotherapy for
25 years. Her other specialties include individual, couples and
family counseling.
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